State to Open Rare Venomous Snake Sanctuary on Howard Island—Officials Assure ‘They Can’t Swim'”

In an effort to boost eco-tourism and support wildlife conservation, state officials have approved Ohio’s first-ever Rare Venomous Snake Sanctuary—right on the Maumee River’s very own Howard Island.

The sanctuary will house venomous snakes from all over the world, offering a once-in-a-lifetime chance to witness some of the most elusive and dangerous species up close. While some residents have voiced concerns about the location, state officials have repeatedly reassured the public that “the snakes absolutely, 100%, cannot swim.”

“Like Jurassic Park, But With More Snakes”
Described by its developers as “kind of like Jurassic Park, but with more fangs and fewer lawyers,” the Howard Island Rare Venomous Snake Sanctuary will offer:

• Guided walking tours (closed-toed shoes “strongly encouraged”)
• A hands-on “Guess That Snake” activity (gloves may be provided upon request)
• Educational talks about local snake species, including the infamous “Toledo Fangback” and the elusive “Maumee River Viper”
• Snakes from around the world, including the Brazilian Wandering Spider, the Japanese Tiger Snake, and the South African Black Mamba
• A designated “safe zone” featuring a single bench and mildly reassuring signage
• A thrilling stand up paddle board ride to and from the island, described by officials as “mostly safe”
• A fully trained staff of experts (pending completion of their online snake-handling certification course)

State Officials: “It’s Completely Safe, We Think”
Despite concerns that placing an entire island’s worth of venomous snakes from all corners of the globe in the middle of a river might pose some risks, state officials remain confident that everything is under control.

“We’ve done extensive research—by which I mean, we asked around—and we’re pretty sure these snakes definitely cannot swim,” said one official. “Even if they could swim, we made the island extra appealing, so they won’t want to leave.”

This assurance has not convinced all residents. One local, clearly familiar with Jurassic Park, pointed out, “Life, uh… finds a way.”

Grand Opening Event
To celebrate the launch of the Rare Venomous Snake Sanctuary, officials have planned a ribbon-cutting ceremony on Howard Island, complete with:

• A raffle for free anti-venom vouchers
• A “Meet the Snakes” session (waiver required)
• A scenic ride back to shore, assuming no unexpected incidents

The sanctuary is set to open on April 31st (pending unforeseen disasters).

The State Snake Board will vote on this later this evening, April 1st, or as many know it, April Fools Day.

Disclaimer: Gotcha! This story is purely fictional, and none of it is true—just a little April Fools’ fun! Any snakes on Howard Island are strictly non-prank related. Happy April Fools’ Day from River Rat Country. Never heard of us? Listen to Classic Country, ’90s, Bluegrass, and Outlaw at here at RiverRatCountry.com, via the Stream 419 App for Apple and Android, or the Get Me Radio Roku TV app! We’re also on Alexa by saying, “Alexa, enable River Rat Country.”